Traumatic Life Experiences

[sex ees gud]

i'm just wondering, how exactly do you push past a traumatic experience? How do you live on? It's one major thing i'm struggling with.

As many of you may know, i watched my girlfriend kill herself about 5 years ago. And since then i have not been able to live past it. I mean, i know that i will always live with this pain, but how do you find a way to lead a normal life and realize that they're not coming back? I've spent five years dwelling on her death, and it's leading me to insanity. And lately i've been getting really stressed out and depressed, because when i was 8 or so i had an injury to my head that screwed up a bunch of things in my brain, one of them being my memory. I've been okay living without remembering much of anything from my past, but it's gotten to the point that i can't remember what her voice sounded like or what she looked like, and it's making me depressed because she's the one thing that has ever mattered to me in my entire life, and i'm forgetting her, no matter how hard i try to keep a grasp on the memories. Dr. Bird is getting me to write about her. Write all my memories down, to let her go. But i can't. I just can't let her go. This pain in my heart and in my soul is the only memory i have left apart from having the slight memory of how she died and watching her. But if this pain is the only memory i will have left of her...i don't want it to go away. You know?

Has anyone ever felt this way? I'm just wondering if there's someone i can talk to that can relate?

[Shodan]

I can kind of relate. I have memories that I thought I had forgotten, but came back when I least needed them. After my grandfather's rapid fall into dementia and eventual death, and my mother's death later that year, certain parts of them fell from my mind. I still knew what happened to them, but remembering them as people and what happened to them was more like the images you get in your mind when you read a book. So while I remembered visiting my grandfather, I would not remember the way he would talk to us about things that were not there, or how he would forget our names, or be suspicious of us. Same with my mother, for a while I forgot how she stuggled to breathe, how she babbled from the morphine, how she still had enough lucidity to refuse an oxygen tube. I think because of that level of detachment from the situation, I was able to avoid the emotional attachment I had to it and what it could possibly lead to.

Of course, bits of it came back later during a big OMG ANGST period, and I would lay awake at night hearing those gasps of a dying person, but this was not for years afterward, and I was better able to deal with it. I have not heard it for over a year now.

In fact, in typing this another small piece of my mother's last day came back to me. She was doped up to eyeballs and asking for people, like she knew it would not be much longer. One of those people was Tracy Grimshaw, a name none of us recognised. We chalked it up to a childhood friend perhaps. It was not untill later we would realise that Tracy Grimshaw is the name of a news presenter over here. Still have no idea if there was any kind of connection, or it that was just the morphine talking.

[sex ees gud]

hmmm. How did you cope tho? Just that you didn't have emotional attachment?

I don't tend to like ever have any emotional attachment to anyone, but i loved her so much. she was so special to me. And i think it hurts even more just knowing that she was the one person i ever gave a **** about and the one person that made me feel so incredibly happy without even doing anything...and then she was ripped from my life abruptly. And...i just...don't even know how to deal with it. For the longest time i just pushed it out of my mind and tried to live a life, but ended up getting into major problems with everyone, and then it all just kinda flooded back into my head one day and it's been that way ever since. But i just...it's killing me that i can't even remember what she looks like, and the fact that i most likely will never be able to remember it. I have nothing, except for the pain and the one memory of how she died. No pictures or anything. I left them all behind. I've tried drawing her, but when i draw something it doesn't seem like her at all. Sometimes i feel like she's still with me. There's a long winded explanation to that, but this isn't the place for that.

The thing that scares me the most is that this happened while i lived in Ireland. As you know, Northern Ireland and Ireland have been at war for like EVER and a month or two after Jess's death i was at a party in town and there was an attack from the IRA on 2 people at the party. their throats were slit open. And i saw them. I walked into the room and saw all the blood and all the crap coming out of their neck, muscles and arteries torn. And...it didn't bother me at all. I just kinda sighed and walked out, leaving everyone else to scream in terror. And to this day, the only fear i have of that day is that it didn't bother me in the slightest to stare at 2 dead people.

[Shodan]

staples said:

hmmm. How did you cope tho? Just that you didn't have emotional attachment?

That was the short term one. It caught up and hit me hard in the end. That big angst moment was mostly to do with that. thinking about what kind of person would allow themselves to become so detached from the people he cared about, how I could possiby have the gall not to feel anything about them and so on. As for how I coped with that, I am still not entirely sure. It looks like whatever I did worked though, except that I cannot even begin to put it into coherant thought, let alone words. Looks like my trademark stubborness was very handy there though. I guess in a way I decided that I did not need to feel that kind of worthlessness, that I did what I had to do in order to get on with life, and that even though it caused me some problems, they are nothing I cannot deal with. Since I did not like what I had become, I decided to change it into something better. The energy I would put into self pity instead went into change.

tl; dr version

*adopted a kind of void in order to cope, or more likely postpone having to cope
*spent several years in that state
*had a big emo moment where it all decided to pound me in the face
*spent some time pitying myself
*tried to snap out of it, managed to for a while
*began to alternate from self pity to euphoria
*said that enough was enough, and that simply wanting to change was not enough. i would actually need to
*tried to figure out just what i was, failed
*more alternating
*repeat a few times
*hell if i know what happened next, but it left me with a vastly altered view on things, including what i once abhored about what i did
*forgave myself for my "sins" if you will, made them into my catalyst for change. figured that since i hated what i became, the opposite is what i would be

I guess i am back at the stage of trying to define myself again, in the hope that i can compare it to myself of a few years ago, and what i might be when i am done. there have been a few times since that last part that i have almost gone back to that self pitying depression, but without fail i have managed to reason past it.

sorry if this makes no sense. i tend to ramble when it comes to this stuff.

staples said:

And to this day, the only fear i have of that day is that it didn't bother me in the slightest to stare at 2 dead people.

Have you talked to your therapist about this? If not I would suggest doing so.

[sex ees gud]

i haven't talked to her about the specific event, but once when we talked about death the subject came up. I told her dead people didn't bother me, she asked how i knew, i told her i just did know. It's so hard, to open up to people. I seriously sit in therapy staring at Dr. B and wanting so bad to just ramble on for half an hour about what i'm feeling and what's happened and everything, but i lose all ability to talk and think and nothing comes out. And i guess it's a step i really need to take. To tell her about these dead people. It's..i know that i'm not doing any good to keep it all in, but....i just...can't..talk about it...

And i miss her so much. and i don't know how to deal with this at all, and it's pathetic because it's been almost 5 years since her death. October 4, 2000. That's when she died. 3 days before my birthday. I can tell you one thing, birthdays are never very happy for me

[psycho*]

well, neither of my paretns are dead, and I havn't seen a loved one commit suicide, but I have had a few things happen.

My mom has a mental issue that revolves around anger. She threw a shoe at me once and it nearly mised my head. She screams and has threatened to slap me several times. My dad, whom I consider (besides jeremy of course) my best friend, left when I was seven. I begged him to take me with him but he didn't and just left. He came back a while later and I have begged and begged him to divorce my mom. He is disabled from a DUI and was in a horrible accident that nearly killed him. Ever since I was little I have been terrified of car crashes, cops, and any emergency vehicules(sp) and persons. Im also terrified of drunk people. I have almost been raped twice. Thank God it didn't happen, but it was very close. Since then I have been afraid to be alone with any guy except my uncle and my dad. Strange, cuz my uncle lives by himslef and ive spent the nite with him (two weeks ago, actually) and it has never bothered me. But put me any where near my cousins or any male species i freak out. I'm just really weird i reckon. Well, you know that I'm always here for you girl, and I love you, and Im here to talk anytime. Im praying for you, if that counts for anything.

[Skylarking]

I really don't know what to say about this. [I'm the best peer counsellor ever, yes?] It's really common to forget what a loved one looked like or sounded like after they die. My grandpa, who I was really close with, died a year and a half ago, and the only memories that pop into my head are the last time I saw him alive, on morphine sleeping peacfully for the first time in a year in the ER, and then of course him in his wooden casket before being cremated and how shucky darn dang cold he was.

I think maybe that's a part of letting someone go. It doesn't mean you don't care for them any more, just that you know even subconsciously that you can't dwell on it any longer. I realize a grandfather is not the same as a girlfriend or mother, but I was really close with my grandparents, even living with them and considering them my parents. What made me move on from his death was knowing that where ever he was now, he wasn't suffering any more. Even if he was only ashes now and his spirit isn't in any after life, he's at peace now.

[sex ees gud]

i just don't want to forget her. and..i just feel like i could have done more for her. i didn't even try to stop her. I found her just after she'd slit her wrists and i just watched her die...and i don't even...feel. if that makes any sense. i feel numb...

[Skylarking]

*hugs* I doubt you'll ever forget her, Dakota, even if you try. It happened five years ago; there's no sense dwelling over the things that could've happened. All you can do now is learn from the experience. You know how much pain suicide can cause people because you've experienced it yourself. You can help so many people contemplating suicide or those dealing with it.

[psycho*]

*huggles* i can't imagine what you've been through. I know that it must be hard for you too go on without her. I can't imagine loosing my best friend (and you know how close I am to him) and I don't think I could make it without him. But, you have to learn to live without her. Don't forget her, just know that she's gone. I belive that you will see her again, although I know your beliefs are different. Its hard to go on with your life, but you have to. Its been five years, and its time to go on. Don't dwell on the past. Remember the past, but don't live your life based on it. If you had found her after she had slit her wrist, then you couldn't have done anything. It was probably already too late. You did the best you could do by being there with ehr when she died. I know that my rambling isn't helping you, put at least im trying. I love you.

[sex ees gud]

i just can't let her go. i can't live this life alone. It's just an insult to her memory. I wasn't doing too great before i met her, but when i met her, i could have been hit by a truck and it wouldn't have mattered. I love her so much. I still do. And i hate society for what happened to her. Her parents beat her because they found out she was a lesbian, and like everyone shunned her, and when she looked to me for support, i'd support her in secret, but when it came to going into town and helping her i always freaked out and said no because i knew how my parents are (hate gay people) and i left her. I was weak. I was a coward. And i guess i still am. I still can't come out to my parents because i don't want to lose my home again. I just can't do this alone. I want her back. I should have just come out with her and we could have been there for each other...

[Skylarking]

Her parents were homophobic assholes. Your parents are homophobic assholes. That doesn't make you a coward. There will always be enough homophobia around to keep people in the closet, and as the queer community that's not OUR fault. You were young, Dakota. Of course you were afraid, after seeing what happened to Jess and knowing how your parents are. No one will blame you for staying the closet. If you would have come out 5 years ago, would people have treated her better? Probably not. The way I see it, they would've been worse, knowing you two were together. I know it's fiddlesticksing hard, but you have other people you need to rely on. You're seeing Dr. Bird and looking into the therapists at school, which are the best things you could possibly do right now.

[psycho*]

i agree 100% with skylarking. shes right. and im still here for you.

[sex ees gud]

i just think that if we'd both come out of the closet we could have shared the burden....i just feel so incredibly guilty for having done what i did to her. I've tried so hard to get passed this...but i can't. I've told myself she's at peace and ****..but i just can't push past this...

[gopher]

All of my traumatic life experiences have just built up. I've never told anyone about some of them, and I don't usually think about them. When I do, I get depressed. It's probably not healthy, but I do it anyway.